ROUNDBALL ROCK SEASON PREVIEWS 2020-2021: THE BOSTON CELTICS!

National TV Games count is out. Broadly, this is a measurement of how the league feels about how people feel about the league. Big guns, the zaddys, are prescribed a hefty dose of national recognition. Little fellas, the simps, they’re  thrown into the trunk and not allowed to breathe the sweet air of basic cable exposure for even one second. 

See this shit? 14 motherfucking games for the goddamned Celtics, a hoard of boring-ass mediocre talents up and down, coasting to national recognition on account of shit people did like 35 years ago. Makes me fucking sick to my stomach. They lost in the second round last year, to Kyle Lowry, a player who is actually fascinating and not just coasting on branding. 

Who wants to watch this shit aside from fuckin’ Boston sports fans, one of the universe’s most rancid, widely loathed  This shit is boring. Who cares. They as many games on national TV as fuckin STEPH CURRY, who (I begrudgingly admit) is maybe the best and most popular player of ths generation, coming off a season where he played a scant five games, seeking the brass ring after a monumental setback. That’s interesting! Or, hey, did you know the Miami Heat made the Finals, behind stellar performances from one of the NBA’s true wildmen heroes and one of its best and most accomplished young players?  

But please, no, give us another version of one of the billions of teams people will faintly remember, this George Karl assed squad? That shit sucks! No one wants it! 

A mic catching Draymond fucking owning Paul Pierce in his last season is the truth the Celtics have manifested basically since Bird retired. They think they are Kobe, but no one loves them like that.. The Boston Celtics are Pierce leaving the court in a wheelchair: overhyped, treated like heroes, when we all know they’re just about to take a huge shit.

It’s clear where this is going: Conference Finals once or twice, Tatum sucks in a wave of hype after he wins MVP at the All-Star Game, they get demolished by a more talented squad, a bunch of trades that scuttle anything resembling chemistry, media blows Brad Stevens even though his capacity for adjustments and relationship management are dogshit, repeat forever.

They’ve still blaming Kyrie Irving for the team’s bad chemistry a year after he left, even though Marcus Smart tried to fight Jaylen Brown in the locker room during the conference finals. The Boston media, with an assist from Danny Ainge, will slander every outgoing player while championing whatever oafish Caucasian center mans the pivot. They’ll be in every transaction rumor while clinging to draft picks, ensuring the “one year away from title contention” cycle will never ever end.

I resist. I will not be the media’s puppet. I have better shit to do than talk about the Celtics. Instead, I am, instead, going to utilize this space to discuss Boston Legend Tom Brady’s new boat I read about on TMZ

GOAT BUYS BOAT: Undeniably catchy. Here are some other images from the internet involving goats and boats:

A children’s book about a goat in a boat. Those castle dudes in the background are vaguely threatening. 

A DIFFERENT VERSION of the first book. Or maybe a different book? Hard to say. I didn’t, until this point, think that whatever we’re gonna call the generation after Zoomers (“War Boys,” the rate things are going.) were wimps, but like… you snowflakes really need a goddamn rating to tell you if its safe for you to read this book without getting confused and crying? God forbid a Level One encounter a Level Two text. They might get confused and never read ever again. Also: “Long Vowels O and E?” You need ONE WHOLE ASS BOOK to teach you about that? C’mon. 

This book appears to be about a guy who rides the mighty Missip, only to be overcome by his darkest desires and wantonly devouring his boat, like a goat would. A sort of one-man scorpion and the frog.

I would, one hundred percent, go on a cruise with a bunch of goats. They’re a fun-ass animal? I’ve been thinking a lot about owning a pet goat, lately. Read an article about it. Imagine a wedding photo: me, my beautiful wife, and our beloved goat, Joey Devine. Quarantine has been fucking with me honestly. 

Is this really as happy as he gets? This man is truly sick– so much unearned victory, he is poisoned and doomed to experience every life experience as inherently boring. At least Jordan still loves gambling. 

Gisele: “I will dedicate my money and energy to saving Mother Earth, the only planet we, the human family, have.”

Tom: “lol hell yeah imma buy a fukin BOAT”

When TMZ demolishes you like this you have to return your boat. I’m sorry Tom that’s the law of nature.

Huh. Interesting. Tappa-tappa-tap-tap-CLICK!

Jesus Christ. Anyway, Celtics suck, have a good day. 

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