Roundball Rock’s Final and Only Mock Draft

After the blockbuster Bruce Brown-Dzanan Musa trade, the NBA landscape is poised for upheaval, and the NBA draft is the backhoe that starts tearing up this league. So based on the best available information and our league sources, here’s Roundball Rock’s final – and only – mock draft of 2020.

  1. Minnesota: Antony Edwards. With their third top pick of the last six years, the Timberwolves look to fill the hole of athleticism and apathy created when they dealt Andrew Wiggins. Edwards doesn’t watch or enjoy basketball, and promised he’d ditch the NBA in a second if the NFL drafted him. Karl-Anthony Towns is sick of losing (at Fortnite), and he needs another potential best friend to stay up late and never rotate on defense with him and D’Angelo Russell.
  2. Charlotte Hornets: James Wiseman. Joe Lacob and the Warriors are light years ahead, so they’re trading the No. 2 pick to Charlotte for No. 3, Miles Bridges, and $35 million in pandemic small business loans. Charlotte needs a center and Michael Jordan needs another young spirit to crush. They’ll be filming the season for an ESPN doc called “The First Dance,” where Jordan drinks tequila out of an oversized glass boot while making fun of Wiseman’s highlights on an iPad.
  3. Golden State: Deni Avdija. The Warriors have been high on Avdija ever since Draymond Green’s “Friends of the IDF” trip to Israel. Coincidentally, Israel’s philosophy on settlements in disputed territories is also “Strength In Numbers.” If he doesn’t work out, the Warriors are planning to harvest his leg ligaments for Klay thompson.
  4. Chicago: LaMelo Ball. Our sources indicate that Ball has been tanking interviews and workouts in order to maneuver his way to Chicago and “get some of that sweet, sweet celery salt.” There’s also a rumor that Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s administration has a job waiting for Lavar Ball.
  5. Cleveland: Kira Lewis. Cleveland’s draft philosophy is simply since LeBron left for a second time: Get the smallest, worst defensive guards possible until the league rigs the lottery to get the Cavs another first overall pick. Lewis will back up Darius Garland and occasionally split time at the 3 with Larry Nance, Jr.
  6. Atlanta Hawks: Tyrese Haliburton. This is purely a Jami Gertz pick. With Jeffrey Epstein dead (allegedly), the Hawks organization needs to increase its ties to evil international forces. Though Tyrese has no ties to the multinational oil-and-death machine, it’s close enough for Epstein’s old business partners. Also I guess he provides defense and off-the-ball shooting for Atlanta next to Trae Young, but whatever.
  7. Detroit Pistons: Patrick Williams. Tom Gores made a blood promise to P-Will’s agent, so the athletic Florida State forward is coming to Motown! Blake Griffin plans to mentor him about post play, protecting your shooting hand when you punch a team employee, and finding wheelchair-friendly comedy clubs where you can do guest sets while rehabbing from knee surgery.
  8. New York Knicks: Obi Toppin. The Knicks have a hole at the forward position after dealing Markieff Morris at the deadline. Toppin will slide right in as a big man who can score and guard any frontcourt position badly. Also the NY Post is inking in 100 grand to his contract because of the headline pun opportunities.
  9. Washington Wizards: Onyeka Okongwu. Okongwu is the perfect big man for the Wizards, because he’s a fierce defender, slightly undersized, and already hurt. Also Ted Leonsis says Ian MacKaye loves Okongwu’s work ethic.
  10. Phoenix Suns: Isaac Okoro. The Suns love Okoro’s defense, both on the court and emotionally. He’s great at denying dribble penetration, and even better at denying emotional penetration. Both are crucial for playing alongside new point guard Chris Paul, who’s planning to teach Okoro how to exaggerate contact and minimize his hurt feelings.
  11. San Antonio Spurs: Devin Vassell. Gregg Popovich will be thrilled at the toughness and versatility of Vassell, and once he learns to start taking his long-range shots from one step inside the three-point arc, he’ll be a staple of Pop’s rotations.
  12. Sacramento Kings: R.J. Hampton. It’s a tough choice between two future busts in Hampton and Tyrell Terry, but Hampton gets the nod because of his love of state government and the consistent busting of first-rounders named “RJ.” He and DJ Wilson should make an incredible garbage time combo.
  13. New Orleans Pelicans: Killian Hayes. The Pelicans have a bright future but a distinct lack of weird Euros outside of Nicolo Melli. Plus they have Jaxson Hayes, and the potential for a Jax n’ Kill Hayes Brothers combo is too tempting to pass up.
  14. Boston Celtics: Saddiq Bey. Someone on Weird Celtics Twitter has a list of 200 Bey/Bae puns ready to go already and Danny Ainge doesn’t want to let him down.
  15. Orlando Magic: Alexsej Pokusevski: Orlando’s organization loves Poku because he has long arms and no defined position. Betsy DeVos loves him because he didn’t go to an American school. Erik Prince loves him because the Serbian secret police vouched for him. And the fans will love him because there hasn’t been a white big man doing work in Orlando like that since Andrew DeClerq.
  16. Detroit Pistons: Precious Achiuwa. Owner Tom Gores loves the novel “Push,” by Sapphire, so this is an easy selection.
  17. Minnesota Timberwolves: Aaron Nesmith. Nesmith will fill a needed spot on the wing for Minnesota, and since we went to Vanderbilt, he’ll guarantee they’ll continue their legacy of picking huge busts.
  18. Dallas Mavericks: Desmond Bane: Mark Cuban’s favorite movie is “The Dark Knight Returns,” so it’s a no-brainer that he’d pick Bane. Sure, Bane went to college in the area, but more than anything, Cuban wants to honor Christopher Nolan’s anti-Occupy Wall Street blockbuster and affirm his commitment to the police state and vigilante justice.
  19. Brooklyn Nets: Tyrese Maxey: Just seems like Kyrie and KD both want to play with a dude named Tyrese.
  20. Miami Heat: Cole Anthony. Our sources say that members of the Heat organization have been catfishing Anthony all season in order to get shirtless photos and estimate his body fat percentage. Pat Riley loves getting guys from an NBA family because when you get drafted in Miami, that’s your family now. Cole, say hello to your new father, Jimmy Butler.
  21. Philadelphia 76ers: Jah’mius Ramsey. Daryl Morey mainly wants this guy for the lyrical properties of his name for his upcoming NBA musical “Process’d!”
  22. Denver Nuggets: Jaden McDaniels: Oh a weirdly tall guy who might not know how to play basketball dropped in the draft. Denver is going to take him and Nikola Jokic is going to call him “Jaden McDonald’s.”
  23. New York Knicks: Isaiah Stewart. James Dolan makes this pick, mistakenly thinking Stewart is an old bluesman from the Mississippi Delta.
  24. New Orleans Pelicans: Tyrell Terry: Because J.J. Redick will be leaving town for another one of his secret families after next year, they’ll take this Stanford sharpshooter. Terry weighs roughly 125 pounds, so the Pels plan to make him eat next to Zion all year to bulk up, although they run the risk of Zion assorting his dominance and eating both of their meals.
  25. Oklahoma City Thunder:, I guess? OKC plans to package this pick with Steven Adams to get the rights to some players who haven’t even been born yet.
  26. Boston Celtics: Jalen Smith. The team plans to immediately force Smith to legally change his first name and add a “Y.”
  27. Utah Jazz: Nico Mannion: He’s going to really change the complexion of the team if you know what I mean. (He’s white.)
  28. Oklahoma City Thunder: Josh Green. He’s Australian, he’s got a lot of length, and he’ll be traded three times in the next three years.
  29. Toronto Raptors: Tyler Bey. I mean, whatever.

Boston Celtics: Zeke Nnaji: He’s already been deemed untouchable in trades for Boston.

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