PLEASE DO HALF OF THE WORK OF WRITING MY CONTENT VOL 2: JIMMY BUTLER AND STRATEGIC EJECTIONS

Hello! In case you didn’t know, writing is hard. You gotta come up with ideas, then come up with words to serve those ideas and honestly man it sucks. Sometimes, when you’re as famous as I am, you sidestep the first thing by having your readers send in questions you can answer. You do this because it’s easier than watching stuff and grinding out little flecks of stuff to extrapolate into paragraphs, but also because it fools the reader into thinking you care enough to consider their input. 

Sam, thank you for this question, because I have been wondering myself and I relish the opportunity to try and find the truth about Jimmy. First thing’s first: Jimmy is not a cop. He is a basketball player. I don’t wanna go too hard in saying the J-Man is a cop, simply because they are aligned with some very dark energy and whatever you say about Jimmy, you can’t put that evil on him. 

But Jimmy has… values. Values that go beyond winning and losing, titles, values that drive him and make him uniquely difficult to deal with, if perhaps you don’t totally buy into those values as Jimmy understands them. These values make answering the question, “Is Jimmy Cool?” uniquely difficult, because these values cut both ways and kind of make a mess when you observe the man in whole. 

Because, look, I don’t care if his work ethic helped him haul himself to the NBA after a high school career of absolutely no distinction and a college career that got him into the league on a late-first-round fluke: Jimmy’s work ethic bullshitand his total insistence that everyone sit in awe of that work ethic suck ass. Please stop telling me to work harder. Your boss wants you to work harder, to produce more surplus labor for him. Under capitalism, Jimmy’s fetishization of his own work and insistence on publicly dragging any young player  who doesn’t live up to this standard is just philosophical justification for the elimination of work/life balance. Real foot soldier for Amazon stuff. Leave people who don’t fucking want to get to the gym at 3 AM alone, bro. You’re the monster here. 

But Jimmy’s total disdain for everyone who doesn’t WORK as HARD as THE JIMMSTER has a kind of… inlaid virtue, even if it’s very nearly accidental. It’s that Jimmy is  rarely wrong about the targets of his contempt. Openly dumping on Simmons and Towns, both of whom should be drastically better than they are, might be misguided as a workplace cohesion tactic, but it’s also deeply, powerfully truthful. Jimmy’s long road to league relevance has made him just fucking loathe the institutions of basketball: front offices, big college players, coaches, you fucking name it, Jimmy thinks they should all get bent and I gotta say: that’s PRETTY cool! I find it hard to believe that Jimmy is ever going to win a title but being the fucking guy who gets bricked out in a conference final with blood streaming out of your nose while deriding everyone else on the team who didn’t bring it because they’re AAU babies, Jimmy Butler, NBA Totem of Resentment and Bile, that’s a pretty cool thing to be!

But, unfortunately, that method of understanding Jimmy doesn’t work anymore. He has found a basketball institution that actually lines up with his initial values, and it’s a disgusting mess. Rooting for Jimmy while he vents on his teammates and holds his organization in contempt for babying them is something I can get behind. But when you’re playing for the fucking Miami Hear, where they take shirtless pictures of you for fat-shaming purposes and follow the lead of Pat Riley, a guy whose time coaching the Lakers was marked by him utilizing his psychologist wife to deliver a message to the wives and families of his players– “Do not expect these guys to be total participants in your life or marriage, and devote yourself to the cause of winning, just like they do.” I just can’t hang with Jimmy anymore, not when he has devoted himself body and spirit to an organization that valorizes his work/life psychosis and makes it the overall team philosophy. 

What I am trying to say is this: There is no ethical Jimmy Butler under capitalism. 

Raptors. Gasol (The Sea Captain), Ibaka (The Smiling Adonis) and Lowry (Dat Ass) are the peak manifestation of all three kinds of attractive male body all at the ideal male sexual peak age. Also, America simply does not fuck anymore. Sorry everyone. I am as disappointed as you are, but Canada is outpiping us day and night and we need to ACCEPT that before we can do something about it. 

Kyle Lowry showing up to camp looking like Kemba Walker. Giving interviews about how his body is now, “ideal. I am in my ultimate form and the league needs to look the fuck out.” 

I say this because I was watching game four and… I just cannot accept the idea that the Celtics are a genuine contender or whatever, just because Kemba Walker just has so much less juice than Kyle Lowry (or Kyrie, for that matter) and I just don’t think you can win without juice. You hoist the trophy while looking and playing like a default basketball guard, sorry. You need that Kyle Lowry gristle. Some nerds disagree but I hold them in contempt.  

Mike is referring to this tweet, by friend of the program Erik Gundersen:

I cannot speak for anyone else in this matter, but, personally, I think about when I am in therapy and my therapist points out something that I am clearly personally fucking up super bad and not doing shit about that I don’t really want to fix.So I spend the rest of the session acting like an aloof asshole and trying to run out the clock so I don’t have to genuinely confront this ugly truth of the self and give him the satisfaction of pointing out one of my deeply, profoundly obvious flaws. The difference is that, later in the week, I think about it and realize he was right, while Patrick keeps on living with his self-delusion. 

Hard to blame him. He’s gotten this far. 

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