The Week In TJ

“The Week in TJ” is Roundball Rock’s exclusive look at the world of TJ’s, in the NBA and elsewhere. Whether you’re a TJ, a fan of TJ’s, or just TJ-curious, there’s no better source for all your TJ cravings.

T.J. Warren

Warren

Has averaged 31 points per game in the bubble, including a 20-29, 53-point effort in a win over Philadelphia, and a 39-point game against the Lakers. Against the Miami Heat in Game One, Warren put up 22 points, eight rebounds and four steals, while shooting 4-5 from three-point range. Warren struggled a bit with the Heat’s double teams, and while this was a respectable effort, we expect more from a first-team All-Bubble forward.

T.J. McConnell

McConnell

McConnell racked up 4.5 assists per game and just under seven points in the bubble games,. The assists were largely based on the TJ-to-TJ connection between him and Warren. Even with Victor Oladipo blinded in one eye early in Game One against the Heat, McConnell only saw the floor for twelve minutes. He also rocked a beard that barely connected his goatee to the sideburns, not unlike his trying to complete a drive against Miami’s defense. Also it’s a wild coincidence that Indiana’s two primary TJ’s are named Warren and McConnell, right? McConnell brings the ball up as reluctantly against Andre Iguodala and Bam Adebayo, as Mitch McConnell brings legislation to the Senate floor, and a bunch of weirdo libs want TJ Warren to be their grandmother.

T.J. Leaf

Leaf

Leaf played 18 minutes against Miami on Friday and zero minutes against Miami in Game One. Over the whole of the regular bubble games, he played 29 minutes and scored 12 points. It’s not really clear what Indiana’s third-best TJ and fourth-best Caucasian does except make white Pacers fans feel safer and make Doug McDermott look tough, but the top knot is promising for his future career as a Rust Belt team’s third-string center.

Thomas “TJ” Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson.

The presence of Jefferson in the second act of “Hamilton,” now streaming on Disney+, has re-opened the historical question: Is owning slaves worse than performing educational rap music about history? So far, Jefferson has avoided being #Cancelled, but just wait until Hologram Jefferson’s speech tonight at the Democratic National Convention.

T.J. Hooker

Hooker

Already controversial because of its pro-police leanings, the Quibi reboot of T.J. Hooker (tentatively titled “T.J. Sex Worker”) has been sidelined indefinitely. Also, star William Shatner almost certainly murdered his third wife!

T.J. Lavin

Lavin

“The Challenge,” MTV’s battle of reality stars, just began streaming on CBS All Access, beginning with Lavin’s first season as the host. Though originally a spinoff of The Real World and Road Rules, “The Challenge” has taken on a life of its own, and is currently the leading cause of steroid abuse in the Santa Monica actor-bartender community. Lavin is famous for his hatred of quitters, perhaps contributing to the show’s culture of drug abuse and heavy drinking. This week, Lavin took to the internet to shut down rumors that the most recent season of The Challenge was rigged in favor of Johnny “Johnny Bananas” Devenanzio, a scandal fueled by the controversial inclusion of referee Dick Bavetta to judge the “Charge the Wall” event.

T.J. Clark

Clark

The esteemed art historian has retired from his professorship at UC Berkeley, after spending  32 Years furthering the exploration of modernist paintings based on prevailing social and political conditions, waving a laser pointer in wild circles, and haranguing students who showed up late for his class.

T.J. Ford

TJ Ford

Celebrated the 17th anniversary of his photo shoot wearing this enormous jersey.

T.J. Watt

Watt

The Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker spent the summer hosting Ultimate Tag on FOX, alongside his brothers J.J. and Derek, who doesn’t go by “D.J.” because of the oldest sister on Full House. Really. The ratings were not good, nor was the tag, nor was T.J.’s reading of the Teleprompter, but T.J. can be proud that he was only the second-worst Watt brother on the show. He’ll also only be the second-worst Watt brother on the Steelers, as D.J. Derek signed with the squad this offseason.

T.J. Van Bronkhorst

windmill

I have completely lost touch with this guy, but while making this list I remembered one time in fourth grade where we played basketball at recess. I was chasing a loose ball, and definitely pushed T.J. down on purpose. I tried to play it off like an accident, but he didn’t believe me and he started to cry and yelled “I don’t want to play with you no more!” Is it weird that I still feel intensely guilty about this even though we never spoke of it again and there’s no way he remembers it at all? Anyway Facebook says he sells hot tubs now and his profile picture is a fake windmill sitting on top of a house. I’m really sorry, T.J.

T.J. Miller

Mucus

Though accounts of his recent stand-up tour have referred to him as “#MeToo-scarred” T.J. Miller is still hitting comedy clubs during the COVID-19 pandemic. Perhaps that’s part of his general anger at respiratory disease following his ouster as the voice of “Mr. Mucus” in a series of commercials for Mucinex. 

 

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