Jim Boylen’s Personnel File

Bulls Boylen Fired  Basketball

(by Roundball Rock staff)

Old school Chicago Bulls coach Jim Boylen was relieved of his duties this week by the team, capping off a madcap two seasons in Chicago that included player mutinies, bizarre injuries, feuds with rival coaches, and more wind sprints than any NBA team has run since the ABA-NBA merger. Boylen went 39-84 on the court, but struggled even more off the court. Now that Big Jim is out as the head coach, Roundball Rock Dot Net has obtained a copy of his personnel file from a highly-placed source in the Bulls’ human resources department, and the Boylen issues were more rampant than anyone suspected.

  • Coach Boylen had a verbal run-in with the team chef. Tempers became heated when Boylen insisted that the Pop Tart selection was a “goddamn disgrace to these beautiful young men.” The men had to be physically separated by Ryan Arcidiacono.
  • Team staffers reported that 45 minutes before a game in Detroit, Boylen was nowhere to be found. An intern eventually located him standing next to a dumpster and grunting. HR ruled it  “Not a violation, but troubling.”
  • A player complained that Coach repeatedly called him ‘Korndogg,” and demanded that the staffer “Acquire me a Brewski.” 
  • According to an unnamed player, Boylen brought a stack of Playboys from 1995 to a leadership council meeting. Coach kept whistling at the pictures and saying, “Damn can you believe that? Hachi machi!” He refused to disband the meeting until he’d read every Party Joke from every issue.
  • Before a game in Milwaukee, Boylen’s entire pre-game speech consisted of eating Captain Crunch straight out of the box. He looked Thaddeus Young dead in the eyes and said, “The cuts… that’s what separates the men from the boys.” Then he pulled out a bottle of vinegar, closed his eyes, and took a big swig. After he swallowed, he pounded his fist on the table, and through tears shouted, “Yeah buddy, I love it!”  
  • Coach Boylen once slapped Kris Dunn on the back while he was at the urinal and yelled “Get it, brother!”
  • Boylen only referred to Performance Coach Wendy Borlabi as “the chaos dragon.” It’s unclear what he meant by this nickname. 
  • In March of 2019, a player accused Boylen of stealing his Zoloft. At lunch, the player couldn’t find the medication in his locker, and later in the day, Boylen allegedly cornered the player and whispered, “I’ll bet you feel very powerful, now that I have removed the weighted cuffs from your spirit.” The Zoloft was never found.
  • On the first day of training camp in 2019, Boylen had the team do a karaoke icebreaker, but the only song on the machine was ‘Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit. When it was his turn, Boylen pulled a red baseball hat from out of his back pocket and put it on backwards. For the rest of the event, Boylen insisted the team call him “Fred” or “The Durstman.” 
  • Players and employees complained about Boylen installing a time clock, where players had to punch in and out of work, but the coach didn’t stop there. The next week, he made players wear hard hats during film sessions. When players threatened a walkout, Boylen asked John Paxson for funds to hire Pinkertons to “break this strike once and for all”. Paxson declined.
  • From October 2019 to January 2020, Boylen refused to acknowledge players’ comments unless they were phrased in the form of a question, Jeopardy!-style. A player also complained that Boylen constantly called his bathroom trips a “Daily Double,” because he was “dropping a deuce, get it?”
  • On a road trip in January of 2020, Boylen flew into a rage when the team trainer refused to address him as “Jim-Boy” and began pelting the trainer with Cracker Jack. He yelled “J-Lo doesn’t have to deal with this horse shit!” before assistant coaches pulled Boylen away. 
  • In a game against the Celtics, with the Bulls down ten and less than a minute left, Boylen called timeout so he could clean Lauri Markannen’s face with a Kleenex that he spit into.
  • Boylen regularly worked out shirtless with a medicine ball he referred to as his “common-law wife.” 
  • Otto Porter complained that his foot injury was exacerbated by Boylen making the team run suicides in work boots, because “the job site was open.” He also accused Porter of “doing a slip-and-fall” when he was too hurt to play.
  • Owner Jerry Reinsdorf complained that Boylen repeatedly emailed him asking where he could get “the uncut adrenochrome you billionaires are stashing away.”
  • During the pandemic shutdown, Boylen repeatedly invited players to Zoom parties to watch “The Last Dance,” but whenever anyone joined he only screened “Lambada: The Forbidden Dance.”
  • Boylen sent an angry email to the team catering staff demanding that all his meals be served “In a hard lunch box, on a girder at least 30 stories above the city.” 
  • On three separate occasions, interrupted an employee at her desk to ask, “Who’s your favorite Feud host: Steve Harvey, Louie Anderson, or that little guy who killed himself?” When she told Boylen she thought the question was inappropriate, he’d shout “Survey Says?” and make a loud buzzing sound before jogging away.
  • During his first year, Boylen suggested the team’s losing streak was caused by not having an adolescent in the locker room. In an email, he wrote, “Drake LaRoche did wonders for our boys in black! Let’s get morale up and get a fun teen in here! (Does anyone on the team have a son?)” 
  • In Staples Center, Boylen called timeout with seconds left in the first half. In the team huddle, he pointed at Clippers owner Steve Ballmer and asked Zach Lavine, “I’m balder and stronger than that motherfucker, right?” Before Lavine could answer, Boylen shouted “You’re goddamn right I am. Soft ass Microsoft bitch.” When play resumed, Chandler Hutchison dribbled the ball off his foot.
  • In training camp, Boylen forced Thomas Satoransky to chug a raw egg cracked into a hot Gatorade.
  • Boylen told Wendell Carter Jr. not to lift weights, but instead father a child because that’s where real strength comes from. For the rest of the season, he’d point out to Carter the women in the crowd who Boylen believed looked unusually fertile.

 

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