(Hello! The NBA Plays a lot of games, and they all demand recapping. Unfortunately I have a terrible memory, and I could never capture the essence of a game with a meager written recap. And so, I have developed a technique, where, like our ancestors, scratching out art on the walls of caves, I watch a game, and record the pure aesthetic sense of the game as it happened through the magic of artistic expression. In the space below, I have recorded the events from last night’s row between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Toronto Raptors, two title contenders who played a tough game. I watch the game, see what happened, draw what I see, and move on to whatever I see next, in real time. Please, enjoy and be enlightened.)


(Doris Burke and Mark Jones introduce us to tonight’s game. They are separated by a giant plexi-glass window. Here, you can see the coronviri spewing out of their mouths and coating the glass. We live in truly unnerving times.)

(The initial jump ball sails out of bounds. Look at how sad he is. ‘Why doesn’t anyone want me?” He thinks. He will very quickly be proven wrong, as the rest of the game will involve both teams trying to acquire and maintain possession of the ball almost constantly. Ball, please, think a little harder before you get in these mental funks.)

(Anthony Davis, who has big ol’ giant limbs, misses a face up shot.)

(Kyle Lowry travels. I forgot that his nickname wasn’t “Philly Cheese,” that it was, in fact, Dion Waiters’s nickname. I also wondered aloud if maybe he should be cream cheese, because that is the kind of cheese Philly is known for. I will correct many of these mistakes later in our recap, please be patient I haven’t done this exercise for a few years.)

(LeBron adjusts something on his hand, presumably a ring or a tendon.)

(Malika Andrews, ESPN’s sideline reporter, addressed the camera in a mask and a dress, which I thought was made from an extraordinarily beautiful blue pattern with flowers on it. Good on you, Malika!)

(Marc Gasol appears. I do not know it while I am drawing, but I manage to capture his essential energy in these trying, summery times, which is that of a guy looking for molly as a music festival in like 2011.)

(Caldwell-Pope, seen here as the pope, makes a three pointer. How the hell did anyone get the last name ‘Pope?” Like my last name is smith because somewhere down the line one of my relatives was a blacksmith of some sort. No one is the descendant of a POPE, though, at least not in such a way that they aren’t marked by shame and derision. Strange stuff.)

(Kyle Kuzma, seen here as a bear in tribute to Kuma, the bear fighter in the Tekken series, makes a layup in transition.)

(Alex Caruso makes a layup in transition. I’m not sure why I drew him like this.)

(Ref 45 just chilling and watching.)

(Nick Nurse is coaching in a hoodie, a really really cool power move, just unbelievably swaggy. I can’t seem to draw a hood correctly, but I do make him into a floating robot, to express the lack of friction he is exhibiting out there.)

Two Philly Cheeses, Dion Waiters (Who will, from here on out, be depicted as cheddar) and Kyle Lowry (Who will, from here on out, be depicted as a small carton of spreadable cream cheese.) square off.

(Dion misses, doesn’t care, because he has elite mindset.)


(Vogel’s haircut makes him look like Tintin, the famous European Comic Book Boy Reporter. In this analogy, LeBron, who is sporting a big ol’ beard and has been known to enjoy wine from time to time, is Captain Haddock, TinTin’s cranky sailor friend.) 

(Captain Haddock LeBron passes a bottle of wine to cheese Dion, who sinks a three pointer.)

(Gasol, who is now wacked out on premium molly he bought in the parking lot, bricks a midranger)

(Normal Powell, depicted above as the beloved Portland institution Powell’s Books, misses a long three pointer. The basket is depicted as the Hawthorne Bridge. This makes sense if you live in Portland Metro.)

(Gasol, just wacked out of his mind on premium Coachella goofy pills, runs into Danny Green, a tree [they are both green], who apparently draws a charge…)

(… but Nick Nurse challenges this call, and is vindicated. Gasol is thrilled.)

(Alex Caruso steals the ball from Fred Van Vleet, depicted here as a fleet of ships.)

(Pascal Siakim hits a three. I just kind of tried to draw his form, I guess?)

(Dwight Howard blocks a shot, much as he would block a needle full of vaccine away from the arm of a child. That was Dwight who said anti-vaxx stuff this week, right? There’s just so many terrible stories that make me mad going on right now, I am sorry if I put that evil on you when you didn’t deserve it, Dwight.)

(Anthony Davis hits a technical free throw. Here, we see Davis depicted as an Engineer, a type of technical worker.)

(Ref looks at LeBron chicken wing call to see if it’s a flagrant. He will be disappointed and shocked when he sees Powell clearly flopped and also fouled LeBron.)

(Captain LeBron misses a free throw.)

(LeBron botches a spin move in the lane, is irate about the lack of a call.)


(Gasol kind of does a rips through on Javale McGee, mushes Vale’s hand into his face. Really upsetting MDMA type behavior, frankly.)

(Lowry crashes through a bunch of guys, not unlike a sentient cream cheese, smashing up the aisles in a supermarket.)

(LeBron passes to green in the corner, who misses. Captain Lebron is Irate.)

(Kuzma, loses control driving to the rim, flies around.)

(Doris, shocked by this development,  yells “Bodies everywhere!!” I have given her a very smart pink and green outfit here, she was not wearing that but whatever good design is good design baby.)

3(Gasol hit in the tummy with a ball. He gets foul shots for this, I can’t quite figure out why.)

(Lowry long three behind a Gasol screen.)

(Then, Lowry draws an offensive foul on JR Smith, who has his head in the Lowry’s cream cheese.)

(Caruso, depicted here in his truest form, a floating head with a giant headband, misses a layup and Terrence Davis gives him a little hey buddy it’s ok love tap.)

(Caruso takes foul shots. He is manifesting those shots in his mind.)

(I look outside the window and see a Eurasian Dove sitting on an electrical pole. Here is a recent photo I took of this beautiful creature, which has, I shit you not, the most irritating coo imaginable, especially in the morning. WOO WOO WOO. WOO WOO WOO. WOO WOO WOO. Give it a rest, daddy’s trying to look at his phone in bed, here!)

(Andrews tells the story of The Bubble’s Barbers, one of whom apparently told her that being selected to shear the locks of the greatest basketball players in the world during trying times was “The Honor of My Career,” a statement with a shocking amount of gravitas.)

(Van Vleet The Fleet fires a long three pointer in Alex Caruso’s massive, floating, psychic face, has his shot driven away by Alex’s pure psychic power)

(Dion misses a shot at the end of the quarter, is still cool.)


(Gasol, now in tune with the divine, boards a Caruso miss.)

(OG makes a three. He is depicted here as an older man. An “OG,” if you will.)

(LeBron misses some gimmies in traffic, is cranky.)

(Gasol, entering the munchies phase of his ecstasy journey, scores on Dion in the post, thereby eating the Philly Cheese. Occurs to me, now, that “Philly Cheese” might refer to the popular sandwich, not actual cheese.)

(Archival footage shows Kyle Kuzma yelling JAVALE SHOW!)

(We get a look at the RailCam, a cute little fella shooting the bottom of the game! Look at im’ slide!)

(Pascal finger roll over contact, legit beautiful. The announcers call him ‘Spicy P,’ it occurs to me I could depict him as a long pepper.)

(Kuzma knocks Lowry out of the air on a drive. Here is Kuzma bear trying to eat Lowry Cheese.)

(Lowry draws a painful looking charge on LeBron. I honestly couldn’t believe what the fuck I was seeing when this happened, I would not take a charge on LeBron for anyone or anything under any circumstance whatsoever, and I especially would not do it during what is ostensibly a regular season game. I am pretty sure that LeBron dapped Lowry up after the collision, which, I mean, you gotta, that shit takes brass fucking balls.)

(Pope hits a long two. Here, the Pope says “Trinity,” which is kind of stupid, because it was a two, not a three.)

(Ibaka, handsome, throws a nice pass, flowers.)

(Ibaka, handsome but honestly less handsome, registers a blocked shot.)

(Dion gets a 4-point play in garbage time. Incredible ending. Raptors win.)


  1. I didn’t even read this post because I know about your anti-Lakers bias. I’m not complaining, just letting you know that I see what’s going on. Maybe channel that bias into some investigative journalism on Rob Pelinka.


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